01-30-10
white days like this (only come once a year)
And we are sitting in your car. The snow is falling around us. We can’t see out the windows. It is a white blanket. Beautiful. I slide open the sunroof and place my hand against the glass. I want the snow to melt in the shape of my hand. I want to make sure I am alive, breathing, warm. I want to make sure this is really happening.
And you are pouring out your life. The words are so hard for you to say. I look you in the eye to make sure you know I’m not scared. My words are few. I want you to know I understand. I want you to keep talking. Keep pouring.
Our heads are leaned back, looking up as though we’re searching the stars for some answers. (They don’t exist. That’s okay). You place your hand next to mine on the glass. It’s much bigger than mine. You are alive. Breathing. Warm. This is really happening.
(title song: from ‘white days’ by the juliana theory)
01-25-10
the reason we sing
A question was posed on twitter:
I don’t think Lane was being combative. I think he was simply asking why we do what we do. When tragedy strikes, why do we come together and sing? Why benefits? Why do we do something so beautiful when life, for some people, has changed drastically? Doesn’t it seem kind of….wrong?
I think singing as a result of disaster is a beautiful thing.
Any time something good comes out of something terrible is a reminder that beauty from ashes is possible.
This guy said it best: “It’s miraculous sometimes what comes out when life squeezes us.”
In disaster, in tragedy, some of us do nothing. Some of us become numb. Some of us feel helpless. Some of us focus on the negative and try to tear down anyone trying to do the right thing.
But some of us give money. Some of us go and help physically. Some of us watch telethons and hope to talk to a celebrity when we call to give money. We create and donate the proceeds. Some of us sing, and some of us pay money to go hear people sing. We desire use our talents for good. [And for the record - one of my talents = ministry shopping, as I got to do Saturday night for my church 
]
Giving, creating, singing, shopping – whatever the case may be – in times of crisis, some of us try to do our best to help in whatever way we can. I think that’s how it should be.
01-16-10
all the patience in the universe
He is constructing something beyond our human rationale. He knows in advance every piece – past, present, and future – that will be required for the finished work. He has all the patience in the universe to put it together. We see one little part and one little moment. He, the One who is, who was, and is to come, sees beyond the singular piece to every generation and condition He means to effect. Meanwhile, He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The one thing may not be good at all by itself. In fact, it may be horrendous. Criminal. It’s when He weaves it with all that comes before it and all that will come around and behind it that something good, something beneficial, emerges.
- Beth Moore
01-08-10
waking up and right on time
As you can tell by my previous post, I’m a “resolution” person. Yes, I (*gasp!*) make New Years Resolutions. I’m not ashamed. It seems that so many people are anti-resolution these days, but I like to make goals. I like to write things out on paper [or on my blog] so I can see them. I am the list-making queen, just ask my mom. Side note: do any of you have a list of procedures to complete when you’re getting ready in the morning? No? Oh, right, me neither…moving on! I mean who does that!?
So, fresh. New Years, of course, is a fresh start. January 3 also marks the anniversary of my birth, so that’s another fresh start for me. I like it. The Type A in me would rather my birthday be on January 1 to make things all even and stuff, but it’s close enough. I’ll take it, because I usually love my birthday!
However. This year, I didn’t exactly celebrate my birthday. Instead I chose to have a pretty bad attitude. I can blame the lack of sleep the night before (I had visitors!) or the lack of healthy eating or even hormones, but the truth is, I mourned rather than celebrated. Oh, I had everything to celebrate: two NY friends cared enough about me to come visit, two other friends had a pancake breakfast in my honor (and in honor of their new griddle), I was surrounded all day by people who love me and wanted to celebrate me, it was Sunday so that meant birthday at church (and I love my church), not to mention the fact that I’m alive and Jesus loves me. But I was bummed. I wasn’t feeling it. I focused, instead, on everything I am “without.” I wrote this in my journal: “I can’t help but feel disappointed to be where I am today – sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we hoped and dreamed, and today that’s hard to take.” (Ugh, so ungrateful!)
I came to school this week feeling completely worn out, having extreme difficulty concentrating on anything else but me, me, me. And then I read this:
“…I want to be someone else…I want to be someone who operates out of love and not fear of what someone will think or what the future will be if I don’t make it happen. I want to change from the inside out.” (Thanks, Rach…and perfect timing, Jesus)
I was feeling pretty disgusted with myself and how I didn’t choose joy on Sunday. So at first, I decided that I would make a list of who I want to be. Surely a list would help…and I would pray through the list too to make it super spiritual! Yeah!
But then I woke up at 3:30am on Tuesday morning after reading that blog post. After I got over being annoyed that I was awake, I began to pray about what God wants from me. And I realized – I can make all the lists I want, but when it comes to my character, lists will forever be inadequate. God wants more from me than my lists – he wants my heart. I’m learning that giving Him my heart is a choice to let Him infiltrate the parts of me that are still dark.
I did Beth Moore’s Esther study this summer and into the fall (because I’m a slacker it took me a long time). I highly recommend it. One of the things I took with me was from Romans 8:32, which says “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Beth adds, “all other gifts being not only immeasurably less than this Gift of gifts, but virtually included in it.”
And gah, I love that. I love that He draws me into Him, even in my absolute selfishness. Even when I believe the lie that my plans are better than His and begin to follow my own way, He guides me back to Him. He continually gives me a fresh start, a clean slate, and forgives me for my faithlessness.
So, instead of making my list about who I want to be, this year I’m going to stick with asking God who he wants me to be. The answer is immeasurably more than I can imagine.
(title song: from ‘waking up’ by onerepublic)
This post is part of Blog Carnival v2 hosted by my good friend Regina…for more posts on “Fresh,” head over to her blog.
01-03-10
thirty before thirty
today, i am 29.
therefore:
1. Run a 5k (spring), a 10k (summerish) and a ½ marathon (fall)
2. Mentor two women for at least six months
3. Read the whole Bible (aside from seminary reading)
4. Memorize thirty verses of scripture (aside from seminary memorization)
5. Do something completely out of character (in a good way)
6. Send birthday cards to 12 people (one/month)
7. Send one card per week to a friend
8. Serve or volunteer somewhere, even for just a day
9. Go see a play and try not to fall asleep
10. Go to five concerts of bands i LOVE
11. Go to one concert of a band I’ve never heard of (recommendations welcome)
12. Watch the sunrise
13. Compile the soundtrack of my life (so far)
14. Attend a sporting event and ENJOY it – i.e. get involved!
15. Visit New York, Houston, and a new city
16. Spend a whole day by myself
17. Spend a weekend in the mountains/at the lake
18. Sit on a beach somewhere for at least 3 days
19. Save $1000, just for fun
20. Make an anonymous monetary donation to a great cause
21. Blog once a week (at least)
22. Take a sewing class + make a pillow
23. Send a postcard to PostSecret
24. Plan a fun girls weekend/slumber party
25. Read a biography
26. Read five books based on friends’ recommendations
27. See all ten Academy Award nominees for Best Picture
28. Make it a habit to take my vitamins
29. Try three new foods (a super big deal for this picky eater)
30. Bake and decorate a cake
(for progress, see the link up at the top)
(also: thanks to jamie and regina for helping me come up with most of these!)
01-01-10
ghosts of new years past
My oldest friend told me the other day that I am a different person now. She means in a good way…different good, different because He made me a new creation. Different, because these days, I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself. Part of that, I think, comes with surrounding myself with people whose love for me is so unconditional. I am blown away by the depths of it. I am self-admittedly crazy, but they know it and embrace it. Encourage it even, because the Crazy is what helps me be, well…me. And it’s community, of course, but a continuation of the community I had in New York. God is building on that community here, and I never thought that was possible. I can barely wrap my mind around it.
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I remember dates. I remember the day I left for China when we stayed for a while (Sept 5, 2004) and the day I moved to New York (June 15, 2006) and the day I left (June 1, 2009). I remember the day I started my current job (June 8, 2009). I remember lots of dates that I wish I wouldn’t remember, like my anniversary with my high school boyfriend (I mean who wants to remember that? But I can’t help it, I do…June 5,1998 if you were curious). I remember the day my mom, my sister and I moved out of my childhood home (March 7, 1998), officially beginning my parents’ separation and subsequent divorce. I remember the date of the car wreck we were in my junior year of high school (November 30, 1997…and for the record, it’s a miracle none of us were seriously hurt).
I say this because New Years Day makes me sentimental…i guess since I am a date person, a quantifier…I know I’ve said it before: anniversaries – dates, i guess – are important to me. i like to measure time that way. i like to measure growth that way. i love to look back at the last year or two and compare them to now. And I love to look back and see how far I have come…but more-so how far He has brought me, how He has lifted me from the pit of destruction (Psalm 40).
Six years ago, everything changed on New Year’s Eve. I was driving back from Charleston, South Carolina with tears streaming down my face. On the phone with my best friend. God shook us that day, pointed us to Him. Revealed that there was more. That there was a different story than the one we were currently living. And instead of ignoring Him like I had for several years, I listened. And everything changed.
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I felt sad last weekend. I said this to my mom before I realized what I was saying:
I guess it’s hard for me to be sad because i’m happy so often…sadness is a different feeling for me.
Last night I looked around and realized that none of it would have been possible had God not broken my heart six years ago. The life I now have is a direct result of that day. And I am grateful that out of ashes comes beauty, because my life is beautiful.