08-31-09
and the water is rising quick (part II)
Edit: Please excuse the disjointed-ness (? is that a word?) of these posts….I needed to write about it, and this is what came out. But since a lot of people have asked, we have learned that my mom doesn’t have cancer, just a tumor that will have to be removed.
“What do you think heaven is like?” she asked one morning. We were standing at the sink, putting on our make-up.
“I’m not sure. Haven’t read much about it.”
“Do you think we’ll know who’s there?”
“I hope so,” I respond.
She adds, “I hope we don’t know who’s not.”
“Mom, stop being morbid!” I admonished.
“Well, when you get older you start thinking about these things!”
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Cancer.
That word is just scary. Along with biopsy, malignant, benign, needles, iv, pain medication, radiation….etc. I don’t like cancer vocabulary.
the scariest part is the unknown//the waiting for answers.
the airplane is falling out of the sky.
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i’m trying to keep it together but i can’t lose my mother.
Satan encourages my fear – exacerbates it, whispers lies.
the burden is physical. i wake up with my throat on fire. i miss work. it hurts to move.
the Enemy stands over me and tells me i have two options: either sink or detach. but my Father quiets me with singing and tells me there is a better way. i place my life in His capable hands and He leads me.
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i lie in her bed. we laugh a lot. it’s not strained, but there’s something unsettled about it. we both feel it.
i memorize her face, her words.
there’s not really much to say…no last minute i love you’s or life – altering confessions because we really have made the best of it. we have loved with abandon.
08-28-09
and the water is rising quick (part I)
it all started on an airplane.
we take necessary cautions/preventative measures to make sure we feel like we are in control – wear your seatbelt, air bags, brush your teeth twice a day+floss, vitamins, exercise, eating vegetables, sunscreen…the list goes on. and on.
hurling through the air (the air!) at neck-breaking speeds in a steel capsule where they calmly serve chips+beer+coke+etc. it almost seems absurd, right?
from where i was sitting, though, making sure i eat my vegetables seemed absurd too.
the fear began to grow from the tips of my toes until it was almost all-consuming. i thought about my family.
i was convinced the airplane was going to fall out of the sky any second.
but something clicked. i don’t have control of anything. only God decides if i live or die. it was an overwhelming peace in the midst of my fear that i can’t even begin to describe – supernatural, if you will. maybe the first time in my life that i’ve placed everything in His hands. it was brief. it was freeing.
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at the hillsong conference last weekend, scott samways spoke on faith + the promises of God. He quoted psalm 112: “the righteous will not be moved…he is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.”
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i’m scared to trust God because i’m scared that something bad will happen. i’m scared to spend more time with God and get to know Him because i’m afraid He might teach me something. fear of being challenged. fear of needing someone other than myself.
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i’m convinced the airplane will fall out of the sky any second.
08-14-09
the world moves faster than i knew
my lack of posting wasn’t super intentional; however, every time i opened up my blog admin and clicked ‘add new’ i sat and stared and couldn’t get much of anything out. i started to post multiple things, multiple times but none of them ever a) had a conclusion or b) made sense. and you know, while we’re talking about it, some things in life don’t a) have a conclusion or b) make sense. closure is over-rated, i’m convinced. as is making sense.
these days, when asked how i’m doing, the answer is always, “so. good.” and that is true. i am so good. because Jesus is so good to me. I’m learning a lot, and you know i’ll share about that one day when i able.
other things: it’s good to be home. there’s really nowhere else i’d rather be right now, and i haven’t felt that way…well, ever. that i can remember.
my job is good. hard to believe i’ve been there over 2 months. i really, really enjoy it and the great people i work with (with whom i work blah blah blah).
my days look like this:
wake up, walk a mile with mom, some time with Jesus, shower, etc., coffee in a to go cup, windows down, open the sunroof (my new [to me] car has a sunroof!), drive 40 mins listening to great music (lately–old school something corporate, the RENT soundtrack, and hillsong’s latest. good stuff), work 4 hours, drive back home, hang, family dinner, watch an episode of friends or two, and then attempt sleep.
yes, life is good. i have great friends, and i love being able to spend time with my family. some days i miss new york, but most days i rest knowing that i’m right where i am supposed to be.