07-23-09
i am changing, less and less asleep…made of different stuff than when i began…
07-12-09
everything.
you were 18 months old when i met you.
i loved you from day one. my love for you was soon extended to your parents. five years later we added your younger brother to the mix, and then after that came a sister to complete your family.
you called me ‘beh’ at first because you couldn’t say eliza[beh]th. we went from ‘beh’ to ‘libeth,’ and now you refer to me using my full name, so much so that your siblings think my name really is elizabethduncan – all one word.
i was there when you were potty trained. i picked you up from kindergarten, first grade, second grade, etc. i was at your birthday parties. i was there when you decided you wanted to be a paleontologist. i got to hear about your dreams.
i am determined be a part of your life no matter how far away you are.
the other day, as i was sharing the back seat with you, you looked at me and asked, “do you want to hear a funny story?”
i said “of course!” and you proceeded to tell me a story that i don’t even remember but was the funniest thing in your 9 year old mind.
the whole time you were talking, i was thinking that i want to hear everything you have to say.
It made me think about God, and how He probably wants to hear from me more often. He has been there through every grade, at all of my birthday parties, graduations, loss, gain, every move i made, every thought, every dream…everything. and even though He knows all about me because he CREATED this heart, he wants to hear everything i have to say.
happy 10th birthday, jonah. you are the love of my life. thank you for continually teaching me about the character of God.
07-03-09
commitment
i’m not so great at commitment. yeah, i admit that. my downfall is not that i’m afraid that something better will come along. it’s that i’m scared to make the wrong decision. i’m afraid of regret. i’m afraid that i’ll look back and wish that i had chosen differently. my fear is that i will miss my chance (for what i’m not sure…just my chance).
i’ve been in New York for the past week to help my church with City Uprising. knowing i was coming back helped take the sting out of leaving and made it not seem so final, but i think part of me was worried that i would get here and want to move back immediately.
being there this past week was so good for me – to view the city from a fresh perspective, to spend time with my people, and to be a part of my church again. but it has also affirmed that my decision to leave was the right one.
with this decision, however, comes responsibility. it comes with a commitment to another place. to different people. to another church.
with this decision also comes loss.
and this is what keeps me up at night:
it’s not that i made the wrong decision…it’s that i’m not sure what to do with the right one.