04-24-09
given a chance i wanna be somebody
me, lately:
- listening to kings of leon on repeat, the soundtrack of my life these days
- finding myself relating to the prodigal son story more and more
- loving twitter
- changing plane tickets in order to make ‘leaving new york’ plans
- filling out my application for seminary
- doubting and believing, alternately
- repeating “it’s not over” in my head
- looking at my roommates differently, because i know i’m leaving soon
- feeling nostalgic about this city
- sleeping less, but waking up with a smile
- anticipating “next”
- following the compassion bloggers’ stories
- writing blog posts in my head, but never quite getting them on paper
you, lately?
04-19-09
marching left, right, left, another step, keep smiling as you go….
“We are part of such a restless generation. Always moving, going, seeking then finding, and choosing to seek more. We are not a generation of finding roots in one place.
Because we find roots in every place.
To be moved is to be grounded. It seems like a strange paradox and there are definitely some people who abuse this freedom in order to run. The true movers in this generation don’t run. They constantly seek the will of God and beg to be used wherever they are. On the other hand, runners constantly seek a will of their own and use God when necessary. But a mover waits on God. The mover allows their life to bear fruit always.
And leaving never means running.
It means obedience, or searching to find, or chasing the trail that the feet in front of you left behind. It involves adventure, but mostly change. They do not see life as something to defend or be ashamed of. So they welcome change. And this change usually takes place from the inside-out. As the mover becomes more aware of who lives inside of them, change happens.”
It is only now, a little over a year later, that I can truly appreciate these words. I can fully understand what they mean for my life. God has used them before to change my perspective, to inspire me…but now, He is using them to penetrate my soul. To speak to the depths of my heart.
I’m leaving New York.
It feels weird to type those words. They don’t seem real, maybe because I’ve said them before without meaning them. Or at least not way I mean them now. I’ve said them out of disappointment, anger, fear of failure, out of loneliness. But now I’m saying them from a place of obedience, trust, security, and love.
This feels different. Maybe it’s because I’m not running, I’m being moved. I’m willing to take with me everything that I am right now so that I’m not running away from anything, rather toward something. I don’t believe that by moving my life will all of the sudden be exactly what I thought it would be. It will be different, yes, but not better. A change.
I don’t have a lot of answers, and quite honestly I’m not searching for them. I’m learning that “I don’t know” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m leaving New York. I’m moving back to Tennessee for a while. It’s good.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
04-06-09
I was born to sing for you
welcome to another round of can’t! stop! listening!
but first, a little history for ya:
Volume I – what matters most? everything that you feel while listening to every word i sing
Volume II – sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to you
Volume III – sing out, sing out, your voice is all you have
Volume IV – as i’m swimming through the stereo, i’m writing you a symphony of sound
and now, volume V:
Let Me Sign, Rob Pattinson
She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky
[the entire song is super short, but this is still my favorite line. Also, it's important to note that I listen to this song about 15 or 20 times a day and after about the 123928432 listen I realized he was talking about a tree]
Good Love is on the Way, John Mayer
Good to go for wherever I’m needed
Bags are packed and I’m
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don’t need them anymore
Never Say Never, The Fray
Some things we don’t talk about
better do without
just hold a smile
we’re falling in and out of love
the same damn problem
Let It Be Me, Ray LaMontagne
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
Love, Save the Empty, Erin McCarley
Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we’re fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.
Breathe, Taylor Swift
And we know it’s never simple never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t breathe without you,
But I have to
Magnificent, U2
Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar
Closer, Kings of Leon
Stranded in this spooky town
Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down
This floor is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul
With the moon I run
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun
No Envy, No Fear, Joshua Radin
and every day we try to find
we search our hearts and our minds
the place we used to call our home
cant be found when were alone
so have no envy, no fear
and now for one that totally doesn’t fit with my playlist but i love it anyway:
Kids, MGMT
Decisions to decisions are made and not fought
But I thought,
this wouldn’t hurt a lot
I guess not
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it…
04-01-09
april fools.
me: so, i have something to tell you.
it’s not an april fools joke
let me know when you’re ready
jeff: uh oh
you promise it’s not a joke?
me: promise.
jeff: is it bad or big (or both)?
me: big and bad.
jeff: ok, proceed
me: okay
i have decided….
that due to my fatness
that it’s time
to wear one piece swimsuits.
jeff: WHAT???!
me: it’s time.
jeff: no, i’m sorry, i do NOT receive that!!!
no
uh uh
that is not ok
me: yes jeff. it’s time. no more belly showing for me.
jeff: it’s like you’ve turned my world upside down
why would you go there?
me: i know. i know.
but A. they’re in style, believe it or not
and B. well, i just have to. i plan to spend the vast majority of my summer by the water.
so it’s just…time. i’ve gotten to that point.
i will still wear my tankinis from last year. but from today forward…i’m only buying one pieces.
jeff: wow….when you said bad i thought maybe someone had died or you’d decided to be a vegan or something….but this??
i just was not prepared.
i don’t even know what to say
other than i can’t believe you’re turning your back on the tankini
so wrong
me: yeah, like i said, big and bad.
——————————————————-
On that note, some super cute one pieces:
from j.crew:
polka dots from old navy:
love this one from Victoria’s Secret, but wouldn’t be brave enough to wear white.
ruffles! (land’s end. who knew??)
***in my research for cute one pieces, i came across some monokinis. What’s a monokini, you ask?
THIS is a monokini. What do you think??
(that’s the most…interesting one i could find. there are some cute ones out there).