05-08-10
Praise in the Valleys; or, My Thoughts on Plan B
I received an advance copy of Plan B by Pete Wilson in exchange for a review on my blog (from booksneeze, which is so great, by the way…you should check it out [I'm looking at you and you]). I usually hate reading blogs when people give reviews, but I really wanted this book and I really wanted it early. Oh, and Pete’s my pastor. And I like him a lot. Um, and I’m impatient.
A couple of years ago I found myself constantly asking God why life wasn’t turning out the way I thought it should. Plan B is about just that – how to deal when things are seemingly falling apart. Pete’s not stating that God has a Plan B. He is making the point that, while God only has a Plan A, we as humans often get to Plan Z before we stop planning in general and learn to rely on Him.
My life was a cycle:
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I had it all planned out. Graduate from college, get a job that paid me $40,000 a year with an awesome laptop and a company car, meet someone, get married, live happily ever after.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Move to New York, have a fabulous life a la Sex and the City and/or Felicity, get a fantastic and high paying job, help plant a church, make lots of new friends, meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Move home from New York for the summer, get a part time job, move to California, go to grad school, get a degree in Biblical Counseling, start a new adventure. Oh, and meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course.
And even recently: It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Start dating in March, engaged by December, get married next summer, and live happily ever after.
That’s not the case. Honestly, it’s not even close. [Sometimes you have to walk away from what's 'good' to pursue what's 'best'].
This book and sermon series couldn’t have come at a more perfect time for me. Something Pete said on Sunday kind of slapped me in the face (he does that sometimes):
The reason you are so broken is because you gave your love and devotion to your plans and dreams instead of to God.
There’s that word again– broken. Brokenness = in need of rescue. In need of someone to sew our hearts back together. We need healing, and we need a healer. I’ve written about this before…and I talk about this rather often. (One day I might write a book about it!)
How many times was I going to plan something my way only to realize it wasn’t going to go my way?
How many times was I going to look at my circumstances and say, “it wasn’t supposed to be this way”?
How long before I realize that I am broken, I am not in control, and Jesus is my everything?
In his book Everything Belongs, Richard Rohr says:
I believe that faith might be precisely that ability to trust the river, to trust the flow and the lover. It is a process that we don’t have to change, coerce, or improve. We need to allow it to flow. That takes immense confidence in God, especially when we’re hurting.
Especially when we’re hurting…yes. Learning that now, this very week. This very moment, even, as I prepare to go help clean out homes of those who have lost everything in the Nashville flood. We were not made to live on the mountaintop, but praise in the valleys.
The end of Plan B says it well:
…trust that one day faith will win over doubt, that light will win over darkness, that love will win over hate, and that all things will one day be redeemed. I’m asking you, right in the middle of your Plan B pain [your plan B, NOT God's], to trust the process that is going on in your life. It won’t be finished for a while, but it has begun. God will finish what he started.
Pete’s book is awesome, and I highly recommend. Especially if you like books that slap you across the face. You should also download the sermon series “Shattered Dreams” that goes along with the book:
01-16-10
all the patience in the universe
He is constructing something beyond our human rationale. He knows in advance every piece – past, present, and future – that will be required for the finished work. He has all the patience in the universe to put it together. We see one little part and one little moment. He, the One who is, who was, and is to come, sees beyond the singular piece to every generation and condition He means to effect. Meanwhile, He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. The one thing may not be good at all by itself. In fact, it may be horrendous. Criminal. It’s when He weaves it with all that comes before it and all that will come around and behind it that something good, something beneficial, emerges.
- Beth Moore
01-08-10
waking up and right on time
As you can tell by my previous post, I’m a “resolution” person. Yes, I (*gasp!*) make New Years Resolutions. I’m not ashamed. It seems that so many people are anti-resolution these days, but I like to make goals. I like to write things out on paper [or on my blog] so I can see them. I am the list-making queen, just ask my mom. Side note: do any of you have a list of procedures to complete when you’re getting ready in the morning? No? Oh, right, me neither…moving on! I mean who does that!?
So, fresh. New Years, of course, is a fresh start. January 3 also marks the anniversary of my birth, so that’s another fresh start for me. I like it. The Type A in me would rather my birthday be on January 1 to make things all even and stuff, but it’s close enough. I’ll take it, because I usually love my birthday!
However. This year, I didn’t exactly celebrate my birthday. Instead I chose to have a pretty bad attitude. I can blame the lack of sleep the night before (I had visitors!) or the lack of healthy eating or even hormones, but the truth is, I mourned rather than celebrated. Oh, I had everything to celebrate: two NY friends cared enough about me to come visit, two other friends had a pancake breakfast in my honor (and in honor of their new griddle), I was surrounded all day by people who love me and wanted to celebrate me, it was Sunday so that meant birthday at church (and I love my church), not to mention the fact that I’m alive and Jesus loves me. But I was bummed. I wasn’t feeling it. I focused, instead, on everything I am “without.” I wrote this in my journal: “I can’t help but feel disappointed to be where I am today – sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we hoped and dreamed, and today that’s hard to take.” (Ugh, so ungrateful!)
I came to school this week feeling completely worn out, having extreme difficulty concentrating on anything else but me, me, me. And then I read this:
“…I want to be someone else…I want to be someone who operates out of love and not fear of what someone will think or what the future will be if I don’t make it happen. I want to change from the inside out.” (Thanks, Rach…and perfect timing, Jesus)
I was feeling pretty disgusted with myself and how I didn’t choose joy on Sunday. So at first, I decided that I would make a list of who I want to be. Surely a list would help…and I would pray through the list too to make it super spiritual! Yeah!
But then I woke up at 3:30am on Tuesday morning after reading that blog post. After I got over being annoyed that I was awake, I began to pray about what God wants from me. And I realized – I can make all the lists I want, but when it comes to my character, lists will forever be inadequate. God wants more from me than my lists – he wants my heart. I’m learning that giving Him my heart is a choice to let Him infiltrate the parts of me that are still dark.
I did Beth Moore’s Esther study this summer and into the fall (because I’m a slacker it took me a long time). I highly recommend it. One of the things I took with me was from Romans 8:32, which says “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Beth adds, “all other gifts being not only immeasurably less than this Gift of gifts, but virtually included in it.”
And gah, I love that. I love that He draws me into Him, even in my absolute selfishness. Even when I believe the lie that my plans are better than His and begin to follow my own way, He guides me back to Him. He continually gives me a fresh start, a clean slate, and forgives me for my faithlessness.
So, instead of making my list about who I want to be, this year I’m going to stick with asking God who he wants me to be. The answer is immeasurably more than I can imagine.
(title song: from ‘waking up’ by onerepublic)
This post is part of Blog Carnival v2 hosted by my good friend Regina…for more posts on “Fresh,” head over to her blog.
11-26-09
all these places feel like home
grateful:
1. God…i know that seems trite, because everyone says they’re thankful for God, but it’s true. I’m so in love with Him!
2. my amazing, crazy, supportive, loving, helpful, wonderful family
3. my friends, both near and far…i don’t want to imagine where (or who) I’d be without you.
4. my job. i actually enjoy going to work daily – never thought i would say that!
5. school. i’m learning way more than i ever thought possible, and it’s so, SO good for me.
6. living in my hometown. never thought i would say that either, but there’s something comfortable about being here now and choosing to embrace it rather than resign myself.
7. good music that speaks to my soul (what i’ve been listening to lately, plus snow patrol and one republic on repeat!)
8. my church. we’re still in the ‘getting to know you’ phase, but so far, i like her.
9. i know i already said my family, but this year i am especially grateful that my mom is healthy.
10. New York City…I know, it’s weird that I can be grateful for being in Tennessee and for NYC at the same time, but I am. You can love in two places at once (roots and wings!)
11-18-09
showing me a better way and all that my love can bring
Wow.
“If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all, they are meant to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what transpires in other souls so that you will never be surprised at what you come across.”
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (11.5)
(title song: from ‘half of my heart’ by john mayer [with taylor swift])
11-07-09
i sing a love song to You
i wake up with a song in my head most every day. some days, it’s a silly song and i’m not sure where it came from – maybe it’s prophesy? (case in point: yesterday i woke up with I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas going round and round in my head – “I gotta feeling….that tonight’s gonna be a good night“- and last night=good night. See? Prophesy!) other days, it’s just a song to which i can’t! stop! listening!
I do have a whole new can’t! stop! listening! post coming soon, but for today (and yesterday, and the day before, and maybe tomorrow), i can’t get over this song. It’s on the “Elevator Music: Live at Victory Fellowship” CD which features MuteMath’s Paul Meany on most of the vocals. Also, I’m pretty sure Jason Morant wrote it, but I’m not sure (Susan? Leslie? do either of you know?)
I wish I could embed it but i can’t, so here are the lyrics instead:
Love Song
Where can I go where can I run from You
You’re everywhere
You know all my thoughts You see through my ways
And still You come to me
So I sing a love song to You
From Heaven above on earth down beneath
Your love rains down on me
You know all my thoughts You see through my skin
And still You come to me
So I sing a love song to You
So I sing a love song to You
[this is the part that gets me every time]
You walk on waves
You run with clouds
You paint the sky for me to see Your majesty
Your majesty is why I sing
This is a love song to You
This is a love song to You
This is a love song to You
This is a love song to You
My life’s a love song to You
You know my life’s a love song to You
My life’s a love song to You
My life’s a love song
10-20-09
How much love would make you whole?
I’d never thought of myself as someone with ‘trust issues’ until I moved to New York. Maybe I always had them and didn’t realize it, but more likely it was that I hadn’t had to make that choice. I naturally trusted my family and friends in Tennessee, but when I moved and started afresh it was a decision I had to make.
i wrote these words on the wall of my first apartment: you have to trust someone in order to follow them. i was having a hard time believing that anyone in that whole city was for me (as opposed to against). I felt like I had no one. No one who knew me, the real me at least. These things take time. 6 months, for me…longer, for some.
i had a lot of thoughts on what leadership is, and hospitality, and how that plays out in a city such as New York. It got better. We got better at it. we might even be good at it now, because we’ve all been alone and we don’t want anyone to feel that way so we ask new people to lunch and we invite them to our growth communities and we encourage them not to leave, to give New York a chance, to plant themselves there for a while because it really can be good, if you let it.
it took awhile before there were people to be that for me, but in that alone [lonely] 6 months God taught me about community and what it meant and how to create it and grow it and learn to need it and even trust it. even when it’s hard, like one night when you have to sit down and tell your community that you’re dealing with the hardest struggle you’ve ever faced and you have to confess and tell them details and ask for help and prayers. and now we’re all better and stronger because of that night, and i would not change it. it’s hard to need somebody, but i needed them. need them, present tense.
I learned that trust is a choice. i learned that with a growing faith, the choice to trust someone gets even more difficult. Trusting someone doesn’t mean that we won’t be let down – rest assured we will – but we do it anyway, because we need each other. and no one is perfect.
Recently God has gifted me with new people, a new church, a job i completely love, and a new community. A different kind of community, because I don’t live in close proximity with most of these people. But a community in the sense that they know me, they are for me, they encourage me, and in turn i am learning to trust them.
This past weekend I was surrounded by people from New York and people from Tennessee. we were laughing and eating cake and the conversation was so good and everything just felt like it was in the right place. it was one of those ‘clarity’ moments in my life — the choice to trust means i get to love and be loved. and if trust means risk, i’m risking it all because it’s totally worth it.
09-01-09
and the water is rising quick (part III)
we’re not telling people. only family. when you tell people, they freak out.
when you tell people, it becomes real.
“God’s hand is all over this,” she says. It is. Of course it is.
*****************
we wait almost a week for the tests to come back. it was the longest few days of my life.
a phone call. she’s crying. “benign,” she says. my relief is almost as physical as the burden. i can’t talk much. don’t know what to say.
thank you thank you thank you thank you…..
*****************
it doesn’t even feel real, but something has permanently shifted—my faith, my trust. the airplane might fall out of the sky but His hand is over and under the plane.
08-31-09
and the water is rising quick (part II)
Edit: Please excuse the disjointed-ness (? is that a word?) of these posts….I needed to write about it, and this is what came out. But since a lot of people have asked, we have learned that my mom doesn’t have cancer, just a tumor that will have to be removed.
“What do you think heaven is like?” she asked one morning. We were standing at the sink, putting on our make-up.
“I’m not sure. Haven’t read much about it.”
“Do you think we’ll know who’s there?”
“I hope so,” I respond.
She adds, “I hope we don’t know who’s not.”
“Mom, stop being morbid!” I admonished.
“Well, when you get older you start thinking about these things!”
***************
Cancer.
That word is just scary. Along with biopsy, malignant, benign, needles, iv, pain medication, radiation….etc. I don’t like cancer vocabulary.
the scariest part is the unknown//the waiting for answers.
the airplane is falling out of the sky.
**************
i’m trying to keep it together but i can’t lose my mother.
Satan encourages my fear – exacerbates it, whispers lies.
the burden is physical. i wake up with my throat on fire. i miss work. it hurts to move.
the Enemy stands over me and tells me i have two options: either sink or detach. but my Father quiets me with singing and tells me there is a better way. i place my life in His capable hands and He leads me.
***************
i lie in her bed. we laugh a lot. it’s not strained, but there’s something unsettled about it. we both feel it.
i memorize her face, her words.
there’s not really much to say…no last minute i love you’s or life – altering confessions because we really have made the best of it. we have loved with abandon.
08-28-09
and the water is rising quick (part I)
it all started on an airplane.
we take necessary cautions/preventative measures to make sure we feel like we are in control – wear your seatbelt, air bags, brush your teeth twice a day+floss, vitamins, exercise, eating vegetables, sunscreen…the list goes on. and on.
hurling through the air (the air!) at neck-breaking speeds in a steel capsule where they calmly serve chips+beer+coke+etc. it almost seems absurd, right?
from where i was sitting, though, making sure i eat my vegetables seemed absurd too.
the fear began to grow from the tips of my toes until it was almost all-consuming. i thought about my family.
i was convinced the airplane was going to fall out of the sky any second.
but something clicked. i don’t have control of anything. only God decides if i live or die. it was an overwhelming peace in the midst of my fear that i can’t even begin to describe – supernatural, if you will. maybe the first time in my life that i’ve placed everything in His hands. it was brief. it was freeing.
************
at the hillsong conference last weekend, scott samways spoke on faith + the promises of God. He quoted psalm 112: “the righteous will not be moved…he is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the LORD.”
************
i’m scared to trust God because i’m scared that something bad will happen. i’m scared to spend more time with God and get to know Him because i’m afraid He might teach me something. fear of being challenged. fear of needing someone other than myself.
************
i’m convinced the airplane will fall out of the sky any second.