Heart Condition(er)

Posted on February 5, 2012 by elizabeth

I just needed some conditioner.  And I had 15 minutes to kill, so I stopped at the mall to grab some quickly.  (Side note, these days I’m more likely to use the $3.00 stuff due to my recent real estate decisions/commitments (!), but the good stuff really is so much better.  And, of course, God’s timing is perfect.  So there’s that.)
……….
I spent my morning at a coffee shop, pouring over Matthew 11:28-30. Wondering why (but savoring, nonetheless, that) God seemed to keep telling me over and over that He is with me always and no matter what. My prayers went like this:

Use my brokenness and wounded-ness for good. Continue to heal my fragile heart. Give me peace that passes all understanding – peace that defies logic. Peace that I can trust You to be with me always and that you want good for my life.

……….
Conditioner.  I’m distracted – on my phone – but happen to glance up right at the last second and there it was.  The embodiment of a year spent allowing begging God to restore and redeem me.
I imagined this moment many times – you know, the moment when the thing you most don’t want to happen, happens?  It’s inevitable.  And in my case, surprisingly welcome.  If it had been any other day, my response might have been different.  But that day, I had already spent time reading verses about being strong and courageous.  That day that I realized I’m going to be more than okay – I am going to be made new.  Again.  Because His mercies are new on the daily.

What the proverbial “they” say is true – If you’re going through hell, keep going and if you’re at the end of your rope, hang on.   Though I can’t sum up my own experiences in one trite quote, I would add: Say yes more than you say no, even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when you think you’ll never trust anyone again, trust them.  They will let you down, but you will be okay.  Go on trips where you know no one, and get to know them – and better than that: let them know you.  Go to counseling.  When you don’t want to go to church because you’re hurting, go anyway.  Get out of bed.  Try new things.  Listen to good music – music you’ve never heard before, music that helps you heal and helps hold you together.  Surround yourself with people who love you…people who can remind you who you are because you’ve forgotten.  And most of all, forgive.  Let go.

Posted in from my journal, i have great friends, i really love Jesus, the healing process | 2 Comments

we are stories

Posted on October 15, 2011 by elizabeth

“This is what I know: we’re all a volume on the shelf at the library, a story unto ourselves, never possibly described with one word or even very accurately with thousands…we are thickly layered, page lying upon page, behind simple covers. And love – it is not the book itself, but the binding. It can rip us apart or hold us together. A book is worthy of a strong embrace, but, too, you must be gentle with one. Careful in whose hands you put it. Layers, by their nature, are fragile things.” – Deb Caletti

Posted in i love words | Leave a comment

and here we go again!

Posted on August 29, 2011 by elizabeth

Recently I’ve found myself wishing I still had a blog and even writing blog posts in my head.  I thought about starting a new one, but why, when I have this perfectly lovely one just sitting here?   So, I’m back…whatever that means!  If you subscribe via RSS, I’m SO sorry, but I think you got about 40 updates when I re-published some of my posts!

And as I was re-posting some old ones (and leaving some of them as drafts, probably forever), I found a few (15) blog posts that I love love….enjoy!

New Year’s Resolutions
Wounds (Part I — and there has yet to be a Part II or III…but it’s coming!)
i love words.
home.
books books books! (I would also like you to please note that i recommended The Hunger Games in this post!  In 2009!  I didn’t realize it had been that long!)
Trusting.
I didn’t write this, but I love it anyway.
Leaving New York.
Family
The hardest post I ever had to write
Africa!
One of my fave NY moments
A letter to Jesus
more books!!
swimming

and of course, my favorite category of posts ever are the correspondence tuesday posts!

Posted in me | 2 Comments

I’m not who I was

Posted on June 13, 2011 by elizabeth

“Destroying things is much easier than making them.” – The Hunger Games

Two weeks ago, I went to Joplin, MO and Wheelwright, KY with my church.

The purpose of both trips was to bring hope to situations that are seemingly hopeless. We went to Joplin post-tornado.
While there we gutted an entire house in a day and a half.
The whole time we were knocking down walls and ripping out carpet and ripping off siding I was thinking how easy it was to rip out a house than it ever is to build one. I also thought how sometimes God strips us of everything we think we need, only so He can rebuild us into someone else, someone different, someone better. The thoughts of restoration followed me to KY, where we took on several projects such as another house-gutting, ripping out and replacing a floor, pulling off and replacing a roof, etc etc.

Tearing things (people) down is the easy part. And when you’re broken, it’s sometimes easier just to quit, to stay in the broken state, to feel sorry for yourself. To essentially deteriorate.  Restoration (building up) is hard. Allowing someone to come into your life and help reshape your brokenness, to sew your heart back together…that’s when things get tough.

Life is tough for me right now.  I’m currently in a season of restoration, redemption, and all of those other beautiful words that begin with re-, and I have nothing I wish to say for public consumption.  I have been encouraged to diminish my online presence, and that includes my blog.  I don’t know where I’m going with this space, if I will ever use it again or if I will start a new one one day….it remains to be seen.  But my heart is being sewn back together, piece by piece, and God is rebuilding my ruins, just as He promised.

*Title song: “I’m Not Who I Was” by Brandon Heath

Posted in the healing process | Comments Off

Taylor Swift Tragedy

Posted on February 4, 2011 by elizabeth

Warning: this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

This is what happened this week:
Sunday: Tried to get American Express cardholder pre-pre sale tickets on my blackberry.  During church.  Nope.
Tuesday: Tried to get tickets during my 2nd period class.  Nope.
1. I got a new debit card
2. I logged on Ticketmaster and changed all the info so I would be prepared.  I LIKE TO BE PREPARED.

This is what happened this morning:
1. Got on the computer in the library @ 9:55 and hit refresh until they went on sale.
2. Got 5 tickets, 10th row ON THE FLOOR seats 6-10!!!!
3. I was so excited!!!!!
4. I hit “purchase tickets” and it gave me 4:30 to purchase them
5. It asked me to verify my visa card. (3:30 remaining)
6. I tried.  It wouldn’t let me because the card was “too new.” (2:00 remaining)
7. I RAN back to my classroom to get my wallet so I could use my dad’s card since I no longer have emergency credit cards as of MONDAY (yay!  but boooo!)
8. I tried to use my dad’s cc (1:30 remaining
9. It asked me to verify his visa.  I didn’t know his ss # so I RAN to the office to use the phone. (:30 remaining)
10.  He didn’t answer. (:22 remaining)
11.  Our librarian offered to let me use her card. (:11 remaining)
12.  Game over.  Not even kidding.  I hate Ticketmaster.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

long live all the magic we made

Posted on January 21, 2011 by elizabeth

i spent the majority of my evening looking at and deleting pictures on facebook.  some of mine go all the way back to 2005.  and it was sad, and it was hard, looking at the faces of people i once knew, or thought i knew.  flipping through the photos – through parts of my history, YEARS of my history – was hard.  some albums i had to delete entirely, because that was the only thing that made any sense to me.  maybe i’ll regret it, maybe i won’t, but it felt good.  and right.

and i realized, unfortunately, (or fortunately – maybe one day i’ll see it this way) you can’t delete everything.  sometimes your life is so intertwined with someone else’s that you can’t just cut them out, even when you want to.  what i mean is, even people who aren’t in your life anymore have helped shaped you, like it or not.  deleting photos doesn’t mean the photos never existed.  to delete the whole photo means deleting everything about it – including the background.  and you can’t always focus on the background – or who’s in the background – when the whole point of the photo is what’s right in front of you.   the “now.”  the immediate.  that’s hard for me – i’m a planner and a doer.  but lately, since november at least, i’ve had to force myself to take life one day at a time.  maybe the addicts have a point (and aren’t we all addicts?)

i guess the loaded question[s] is [are], do you stop uploading pictures to facebook because you’re afraid looking at the memories will hurt one day?  or do you upload them knowing there’s always a “delete” feature just in case?  OR, do you upload them, knowing there’s a chance that life can change suddenly, that your perception of a person can change suddenly, and just embrace that as part of life?

of course this post isn’t really about facebook, though my facebook photos are a tangible reminder of my past.  i can look at pictures from as recently as last summer and know i’m a different person now.  not at my core, but in the way i relate to people and how i’m more grateful for those who are still close by.  i’m different in the way i choose to say things or to not say things.  i spend more time alone now than i used to, and it’s really, really good for me.  and while i’ll never talk about the last few months of my life on the internet because it’s too public and what happened too personal,  i know this space will hold the aftermath.  so…here we are.

(title song: from ‘long live’ by taylor swift, of course)

EDIT: I was reading this post to my mom and she said (crying and laughing at the same time, of course), “You can’t delete them out…but can’t you just crop ‘em?” HAHAHHahah!

Posted in me | 3 Comments

dream job

Posted on November 5, 2010 by elizabeth

In one of Jamie’s recent posts, she asked me and several others to answer some fun questions.  In typical Elizabeth fashion, I can’t answer them all in one post, so I have to break it up.  And, I asked Jamie and she said she encourage flexibility with the quizzical :) So, in part 1, I’ll answer number 1 and number 7.

1) Describe your dream job.
2) What is your favorite thing about your childhood?
3) What is the best concert you’ve ever been to?
4) What is your favorite book and why?
5) If you could relive one day of your life, which day would you choose?
6) What quality do you value most in a friend?
7) In exactly 8 words, describe your week.

My week, in exactly 8 words: I change minds, therefore, changing and impacting lives.  Back in January I realized that working part time was great but, as far as careers go, probably wasn’t sustainable.  I refused (and still refuse, ever!) to return to Corporate America, but as I began to think and pray about it, I knew one day I would need to acknowledge my Gift of teaching and use it.  It was confirmed in so many ways over the next several months, and by July I had a job at a middle school teaching Language Arts and Reading.

I love my job. It is what I was Created to do.  It took being out of the classroom for four (4!!) years to realize it, but I am a good teacher.  In a few years I’ll be great.  I leave my school every single day – even the hard days – knowing without a doubt that teaching is IT for me.  While Jesus is the ultimate and eternal fulfillment for my soul, I absolutely believe that He uses this job to fulfill me with an earthly fulfillment.  I never knew it could be this good!  I am tired all the time and I still have yet to achieve that ever-illusive balance between work and personal life (is there such a thing for a teacher?) but I am happy!

So, my dream job is now.  My dream job is working with kids all day, every day.  I get to teach and still learn.  I get to help mold and shape their minds.  I get to encourage them to READ and WRITE and listen and…and…and it’s just so good.  I never thought I could settle for doing anything forever, but I could do this forever.  And maybe one day I’ll get some sleep!

Posted in i really love Jesus, let's change the world | 2 Comments

allow me to return from my super long absence….

Posted on October 21, 2010 by elizabeth

…only to direct you to another blog.

She says it so much better than I can:

Sometimes I think I wear the fact that I lived in New York like a battle scar.  Maybe we all do. My friends and I fought through life together, we scraped through blood, sweat and tears – holidays away from family, monthly apartment rent that nearly broke us, days where the City just chews you up and spits you out – and we survived.  Together.

more, from me, later…sometime?  hopefully?

<3

Posted in i have great friends, i heart new york, it's all about perspective | 1 Comment

plans align all in a glorious effort to survive

Posted on June 14, 2010 by elizabeth

i am a list-maker extraordinaire.  i make crazy detailed lists because that’s the only way i can keep it together.  i am convinced i have some sort of ADD or maybe it’s just age, but in order to function i need lists.

for example, my packing list for the beach:

my cousin got married yesterday, and all weekend was spent helping my mom and aunt prepare.  yesterday morning, i walked into the kitchen, and on the counter was this:

yup, my mom is a crazy list-maker too.  it’s generational :)

(title song: from ‘side by side’ by sleeping at last)

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Praise in the Valleys; or, My Thoughts on Plan B

Posted on May 8, 2010 by elizabeth

I received an advance copy of Plan B by Pete Wilson in exchange for a review on my blog (from booksneeze, which is so great, by the way…you should check it out [I'm looking at you and you]). I usually hate reading blogs when people give reviews, but I really wanted this book and I really wanted it early. Oh, and Pete’s my pastor. And I like him a lot. Um, and I’m impatient.

A couple of years ago I found myself constantly asking God why life wasn’t turning out the way I thought it should. Plan B is about just that – how to deal when things are seemingly falling apart. Pete’s not stating that God has a Plan B. He is making the point that, while God only has a Plan A, we as humans often get to Plan Z before we stop planning in general and learn to rely on Him.

My life was a cycle:
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I had it all planned out. Graduate from college, get a job that paid me $40,000 a year with an awesome laptop and a company car, meet someone, get married, live happily ever after.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Move to New York, have a fabulous life a la Sex and the City and/or Felicity, get a fantastic and high paying job, help plant a church, make lots of new friends, meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Move home from New York for the summer, get a part time job, move to California, go to grad school, get a degree in Biblical Counseling, start a new adventure. Oh, and meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course.
And even recently: It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Start dating in March, engaged by December, get married next summer, and live happily ever after.
That’s not the case. Honestly, it’s not even close. [Sometimes you have to walk away from what's 'good' to pursue what's 'best'].

This book and sermon series couldn’t have come at a more perfect time for me. Something Pete said on Sunday kind of slapped me in the face (he does that sometimes):

The reason you are so broken is because you gave your love and devotion to your plans and dreams instead of to God.

There’s that word again– broken.  Brokenness = in need of rescue.  In need of someone to sew our hearts back together.  We need healing, and we need a healer.  I’ve written about this before…and I talk about this  rather often.  (One day I might write a book about it!)

How many times was I going to plan something my way only to realize it wasn’t going to go my way?
How many times was I going to look at my circumstances and say, “it wasn’t supposed to be this way”?
How long before I realize that I am broken, I am not in control, and Jesus is my everything?

In his book Everything Belongs, Richard Rohr says:

I believe that faith might be precisely that ability to trust the river, to trust the flow and the lover.  It is a process that we don’t have to change, coerce, or improve.  We need to allow it to flow.  That takes immense confidence in God, especially when we’re hurting.

Especially when we’re hurting…yes.  Learning that now, this very week.  This very moment, even, as I prepare to go help clean out homes of those who have lost everything in the Nashville flood.  We were not made to live on the mountaintop, but praise in the valleys.

The end of Plan B says it well:

…trust that one day faith will win over doubt, that light will win over darkness, that love will win over hate, and that all things will one day be redeemed. I’m asking you, right in the middle of your Plan B pain [your plan B, NOT God's], to trust the process that is going on in your life. It won’t be finished for a while, but it has begun. God will finish what he started.

Pete’s book is awesome, and I highly recommend.  Especially if you like books that slap you across the face.  You should also download the sermon series “Shattered Dreams” that goes along with the book:
Shattered Dreams

Posted in i really love Jesus, it's all about perspective, me | 3 Comments